How To Ruin TV Animation In Seven Easy Lessons

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This was great, over at toonzone.net

How To Ruin TV Animation In Seven Easy Lessons
By Jeff Harris
07-30-2005, 1:06 PM

I've been watching cartoons for over twenty years now. The period that began fifteen years ago is universally referred to as a "renaissance" in the American animation industry. In the United States alone, there are six all-animation outlets (Cartoon Network, Toon Disney, Nicktoons, Boomerang, Anime Network, and Locomotion [a channel I can guarantee you've never watched]) and more in the works. And I've watched it decline from a period of promising rebirth and experimentation to an era of committee-run hack work.

How did this happen?

In the early 1990s, none of us knew for sure what cartoons would work or how they should be sold to audiences, so they basically turned the asylum over to the lunatics (no pun intended). Now, fortunately, we've got a pretty good idea of what should go into a cartoon series, how it should be produced, and how it should be controlled and exploited. There's no excuse for tolerating freedom and creativity.

Today, the rules have been written.

Those rules have emerged from an evolutionary crucible. How those rules were discovered and refined is not part of my topic. It's not even clear that the networks and studios themselves consciously know what the rules are and how they work. But, based on long-time viewing of animated television, I am now able to state and describe them. If you're a network programmer depressed by the fact that your schedule is not as dull, hackneyed, and unadventurous as those of your competitors, take heart. I'm here to teach you, in seven easy lessons, how to ruin your animation lineup.

Why am I doing this? Because there are people trying to warn would-be readers and creative types that these rules are, in some conceivable way, bad for business and the remains of the North American industry. As long as the almighty dollar rules, and kids remain suckers--I mean "future consumers oblivious to what occurred prior to the current era"--these rules are essential. So, now, here are seven easy lessons on how to ruin your animation lineup.

Ignore the artists.

This is the most important lesson. The artist is your enemy, because there's no controlling what might come out of his head.

Most animators are the spiritual children of Tex Avery, the free-spirited anarchist who helped create the Looney Tunes when he was at Warner Bros. and then blossomed into pure anarchy when he moved to MGM. Like Avery, today's animators know what cartoons can do. They know how funny they can be. And they're often trying their best to come up with new and exciting stuff.

This is dangerous.

You've got big bucks on the line, and you need to be able to predict exactly what will come out the other end so that you can exploit your new "franchise." Handcuff the artists. Give them their ideas. Make sure that what they produce is just a little bit different from the other stuff that's out there. It will save you lots of aggravation.

Remember, you're the boss. You don't get ulcers. You give them.

Remember that cartoons are only for kids.

Ignore the success of The Simpsons, Family Guy, American Dad, and that troublesome Adult Swim block on Cartoon Network. Instead, concentrate on the fact that animation is a kids' medium. Don't be dazzled by claims from rebellious writers on the interweb or self-described "historians" that animation is just another medium and one eminently suitable for telling any kind of story. Close your eyes to the experiences of Japan, my imagination, Great Britain, and Canada. Put away the thought that children who enjoy cartoons often grow up to be adults who enjoy cartoons. Walt Disney made sure cartoons were only for kids, and who are you to argue with a genius--especially one that's been safely dead for forty years?

When you do ignore what I told you and have the nagging desire to make a "mature audiences" cartoon, be sure to give it a fratboy mentality. Fill it with jokes about bodily functions, sexual situations, a